Script for a Presidential Press Conference

Script for a Presidential press conference:

Good morning, America

I have brought 100 water melons with me today. Not because I am the first black President and I have heard the whispers of watermelon jokes and late nite rib feasts featuring the music of Common and K'naan, along with some old school Heavy D. As you know, Michele had Beyonce do a promo video for her "Let's Move," initiative, urging children to fight obesity and its related life illnesses by exercising and having fun.

I brought 100 watermelons today to call attention to the drought that plagues many parts of the US but more importantly, to the famine in Somalia, in Africa. Over 3 million people are starving. Once again we are seeing pictures of children with accusing eyes looking at the world because we are able to marshal the will to feed those who are dying for lack of food, through no fault of their own.

Rain is a natural element whose lack can cause a human crisis that crosses borders, ideologies, and political parties. We can be rainmakers for those who so need our help. So this week, send your donations to an international aid group working to feed those who are dying for lack of food.

I wanted to make another point with the watermelons; to remind most Americans we are doing pretty good. We have natural resources, comforts and foods, and are able to help each other during lean times. Imagine a state the size of South Carolina, the home of Jim DeMint, Lindsay Graham, Joe Wilson, starving to death. Despite their home state's poverty rate of 18%, its median incomes $5,000 behind the nation's average, and the state being host to health conditions among the nation's leaders in causes of death, South Carolina turned down health and education dollars under its leaders. Yet it is far better off than the hundreds of thousands who find themselves in the refugee camps in Dadaab.

Now, many of you may find it strange that I am talking about Somalia and refugee camps in Kenya when I haven't addressed the jobs situation here at home. Well, it is true I haven't talked about the voter id bills that are disenfranchised millions of already registered votes in the red states, or the robo-calls already being made by the tea party against my position on repealing the Marriage Act and the Affordable Healthcare Act. Let me tell you, I know those calls are being made. The sad thing is the Republicans didn't even hire live people for their call centers. All the calls going out are recorded. They pretend to be surveys, but ask inflammatory questions, worded to appeal to those who fear change.

Well, Democrats and independents could have used those call center jobs. What does it tell you about the other party when they engage in politics by remote control, and refuse to use their billions in contributions from the Koch brothers to hire locally. They represent a rich fringe. They never eat watermelon. Or vacation in Kenya. Or go there to find my birth certificate. Or feed the starving at home or in Africa. They simply whisper rumors and lies.

Now back to the water melons. I have 98 melons stacked on my left, and the remaining two melons side-by-side on my right. This is a living graphic for my tax proposal. Leave the tax cuts fully in place for the 98% of all Americans, represented by the melons on my left. Raise taxes on the affluent 2 percent, who will have to offer a slice. Of course, the Speaker says I want a blank check. He's wrong. My re-election bid needs jobs. I am now reviewing how to establish green watermelon farms to provide low cost, low tech, nutrition-rich, diet healthy employment. The first demonstration project would be right here, behind the White House, worked by DC inmates from the correctional system, who will be trained as urban gardeners, and hopefully could move on to higher opportunities in hydroponics. A huge market exists for such skills. I personally think it is a market that is underserved, and the balance of trade should be returned to America. From your emails and questions, I know this is of major concern to all Americans, across our great land, and the benefits would be immediate, putting the country in the right frame of mind, in a renewable, green industry.

I also would like to announce I am sending Glenn Beck a watermelon after the press conference. He can slice it open to see the seeds. He can share it with Donald Trump. No doubt he will have much to say about the origins of the seeds. Hopefully, he will plant them and they will produce better results than his other seeds. Right now I am reading the Origins of the Species to find clues for how political mutation takes place in politics. Is it nature or nurture? And the Speaker gets a melon to remind him of the 98% of Americans with whom he has lost the common touch. Along with list of people and foods his business and politics excluded, I doubt his restaurant ever served watermelon.

Any questions?